Saturday, October 28, 2006

Sometimes I hate myself

This week has been quite a peculiar one. The old negative thoughts, that I thought I had safely held at bay, came rushing back, and once again I found myself comfort eating.

It's really hard for me to write this, but in a way I feel obliged to the ladies over at One Weigh or Another to write it. That didn't come out as I intended, but I think what I mean is I know how good it feels to be a bit a part of that group, and I feel I need to admit to myself and others how tough I can find things. That way I know that people, even if they are miles away, are aware of how I feel.

For years I've struggled with the way I am and my weight and I guess just have a really low self esteem. It's a vicious circle. I hate the way I am, the way I look, but then I turn in on myself, never letting anyone know how I feel, and I turn to food as a comfort. I think to myself that I'm never going to change so I might as well just eat that bar of chocolate or packet of crisps.

I really thought that things were different this time. I'd been doing really well sticking to my diet, but then for one reason or another I ended up eating things that I wasn't meant to be eating (I find it really hard to say no to people, for example when visiting other people I end up eating whatever it is that they've got on the menu because I don't want to make a fuss). And from there it was just another downward spiral. So this week it may have appeared to the world that I was eating healthily, but then I've added in chocolate and crisps, and not really in small quantities either.

I get this mindset that no one really cares about me anyway, and then because I feel that I can't tell anyone how I feel because they'll be obliged to be all nice and sympathetic, when I 'know' that they don't really care about me. I try and try to persude myself that it's not true, but I just can't break through that mental barrier.

I'm the sort of person that other people turn to when they're having problems and stresses, and I'm so used to helping thme out that I'm really not sure I know how to sort out myself.

I'm going to stop now and post this because if I don't do it right now I don't think I'll have the courage to do it.


blestwithsons said...

Debs, my sweet sweet buddy. I most certainly do care and not just to be polite. I know how you feel. I have been there. And sweetie, I want you to fix this before another decade goes by! Do it now while you're younger so you can enjoy it longer!! Do it so you will be healthy and energetic when you're pregnant someday. Do it so you enter into dating relationships knowing that you are a princess of the Father - not thinking that you have to settle because you're not worth the best. (not that I did that by the way - my husband is a great guy, thank God!)

You CAN do this. You CAN. I know it's trite, but I am really starting to believe that nothing tastes as good as healthy is going to feel- inside and out.

Now here is what I want you to do. If you have not read the posts I did on depression - go read them NOW. If you have read them - then you know the homework you need to do. DO IT!!!! Write down all those nasty negative thoughts and let God show you how wrong you are.

And do Phase One over again - and do it right - or I'll have to email you a beating! ;-p

{{{hugs}}} Love you!!! Email me anytime!!

blestwithsons said...

Oh! One other practical thought. GET YOUR EXERCISE. I mean good intense make you sweat exercise - at least 20 minutes, preferably in the morning. It not only helps the weight-loss, but it helps with depression and resisting cravings too.

lady laura said...


I also know how you feel. I could have written this post myself at various times throughout my life.

The old thought patterns, the negative self-talk become like deep ruts in a road over the years. It takes time to rebuild the road, or create a bypass (feeling analogous today). Telling yourself the truth, and finding others who will tell it for you when you can't helps alot.

The truth is that you are a child of God, the holy and perfect Creator of the universe. You have been gifted by Him in unique ways and for specific purposes. You are a necessary part of the Body of Christ! You are an eternal being. You are not the sum total of what you ate today or yesterday.

I find that when I slip into old thought patterns or old eating habits (and the two are intimately related), I must confess and repent, just as when I sin. Grace through faith through Christ is sufficient for all things, even a bag of crisps.

I think of the Latin phrase "Ora et Labora" so often lately. Pray and work. Work at moving, loving, studying the Word, being busy with your hands, reaching out to other people, learning new things. Pray all the while.

Sending hugs and prayers over the Big Pond!

Blair said...

Debs - I have so much I feel compelled to say to you but time is not on my side at the moment.

Since I do not have the time to express what I am feeling....I pray that my (((HUGS))) and (((PRAYERS))) bring you some sort of comfort today.

I will write more next week - please grab your Bible and go have a meeting with God.

Your Sister,