Tuesday

I had this wonderful post planned earlier, but now that I'm actually sitting at the computer it's all gone out of my head. So I'll just say where I am at the moment. I'm back on phase one of the south beach diet.

I need to check out our leisure centre's opening times and see if I can start going swimming before I go to work on the three days I work in school. The two days I look after 16 month old I start at 8 and have the leave the house at 7.30ish so I don't think I'm gonna manage to swim on those days. However I don't have to be at school till 9 so that feels more do-able. After all, last year when I was living away from school I used to go swimming before work, and that was when I had to drive half an hour to get to work (I would leave the house before 7, which to me was early!)

I'm trying to get myself back into getting to bed earlier and waking up earlier. The clocks went back for us in the UK last weekend (so 10pm became 9pm). It's the whole going back to GMT after being on British Summer-Time. Anyway, My body still seems to think it's an hour later than it actually is, and I'm in not rush to un-confuse it. Well if it thinks it's after 10 and it's actually only after 9 and I go to bed that's got to be a good thing right?!?!

Um, I'm also wondering whether I ought to start posting what I'm eating every day as a way to stay accountable. I'll think on that a bit longer before I make a decision.

Oh, and in other news my Mum had officially lost 10 pounds in the last 3 weeks. That's another reminder to me that if I stay on track good things will happen!

Weigh-in

I'm up 1.6 to 287.4. After my bad week it's less than I deserve to be up, but I'm drawing a line under last week and will do my best this week :-)

Today

Today I feel a little better about myself. I know that this (the weight and the negative thoughts) is not something I can change overnight, but I'm ready to try to begin. Food-wise I've been sensible today and not had anything I regret! I'm cross with myself that I'll be up at the weigh-in tomorrow, but I'm also glad that I did get some stuff off my chest. Thanks Blest and Laura for showing me you care. I'm going back to look at some of your posts again Blest.

Update - thanks for what you just put Blair, I'm off to read my bible, and then I'll come back and look at Blest's posts!

Sometimes I hate myself

This week has been quite a peculiar one. The old negative thoughts, that I thought I had safely held at bay, came rushing back, and once again I found myself comfort eating.

It's really hard for me to write this, but in a way I feel obliged to the ladies over at One Weigh or Another to write it. That didn't come out as I intended, but I think what I mean is I know how good it feels to be a bit a part of that group, and I feel I need to admit to myself and others how tough I can find things. That way I know that people, even if they are miles away, are aware of how I feel.

For years I've struggled with the way I am and my weight and I guess just have a really low self esteem. It's a vicious circle. I hate the way I am, the way I look, but then I turn in on myself, never letting anyone know how I feel, and I turn to food as a comfort. I think to myself that I'm never going to change so I might as well just eat that bar of chocolate or packet of crisps.

I really thought that things were different this time. I'd been doing really well sticking to my diet, but then for one reason or another I ended up eating things that I wasn't meant to be eating (I find it really hard to say no to people, for example when visiting other people I end up eating whatever it is that they've got on the menu because I don't want to make a fuss). And from there it was just another downward spiral. So this week it may have appeared to the world that I was eating healthily, but then I've added in chocolate and crisps, and not really in small quantities either.

I get this mindset that no one really cares about me anyway, and then because I feel that I can't tell anyone how I feel because they'll be obliged to be all nice and sympathetic, when I 'know' that they don't really care about me. I try and try to persude myself that it's not true, but I just can't break through that mental barrier.

I'm the sort of person that other people turn to when they're having problems and stresses, and I'm so used to helping thme out that I'm really not sure I know how to sort out myself.

I'm going to stop now and post this because if I don't do it right now I don't think I'll have the courage to do it.

My third Monday Weigh-in

Another 2 pounds down this week. That takes total weight loss to 8.2lb.
Hurrah :-)

I noticed something today...

... I can do my belt up tighter than I could before. Yay! I was wondering when I would begin to be able to see and feel the differences in me as well as seeing the change on the scales. It's a little thing, but it's made me feel great.

I now it's Wednesday, but I'm still gonna call this Monday weigh-in.

When I weighed myself on Monday I discovered that in the two weeks since I started I have lost 6.2lb which is really exciting.

I've now started my new job so I need to be really strict with myself about setting a routine for exercise that I will be able to stick with. At the moment I feel really tired, but I think that's partly just getting used to the new job and all the new information my brain is trying to process. My nominated exercise for today is housework and perhaps some stair walking. I'd go out for a walk, but the weather is a bit miserable to take S out in (S is the boy I'm child-minding).

Yesterday we tried no-pasta lasagne for dinner. It's made with aubergine (eggplant to the Americans!) instead of pasta. My mum and I really enjoyed it, and now we've made it once we can experiment with the recipe and maybe add different vegetable each time (last night we had it with yellow pepper and squash in, the recipe also suggested you could put in spinich).

Happy Birthday to my Big Sister

Either Bekki is good at standing with her back to the camera, or my dad (who the camera belongs to) is good at standing behind people to take their picture. Anyway, whichever it is I had trouble finding pictures of Bekki that didn't show her walking away from the camera. This one was taken whilst we were on our family holiday in Sctoland this summer. Bekki is on the left and HP (my little sister) is on the right.

New Job :-)

I've got a new job. I start on Monday. I wrote lots about it on my other blog so you can follow the link for more about it.

In other news, south beach is going well and I've already lost a bit of weight. I'll weigh-in properly on Monday and let you know how much.

Monday Weigh-In

Well this morning I weighed myself and I am down point 2 (0.2) of a pound. i'm not surprised becasue my last week was quite manic - with little time to exercise and I know I didn't eat healthily the whole time.
However, the real big news this morning is that I have now started on the South Beach diet (as of this morning!) We're still working on the final menu planning details, and we really need to go food shopping soon, but I've started and that's the main thing!

Taking the plunge

Having announced my weight to the world over at One Weigh or Another it seems silly, stupid even, not to post it on here as well. (Oh, BTW I'm back. Had a lovely time with the kids. Didn't really manage to stick to healthy eating as much as I'd have liked, but did lots of walking up stairs and carrying a 2 year old!)

My weight, as of the monday weigh-in [rather than today, I'm a little scared to get on the scales right now ;-) ] was 294lb, or 21 stones. That's certainly not a good weight to be at even if I am 6 foot tall. I've read somewhere, possibly on a weightwatchers site that it'd be a good aim to start by trying to lose 10% of your weight. So for me that means about 30lb. Obviously I do need to lost more than that, but that sounds like a good short(ish) term aim. (I know it won't be short, but you know what I mean). I think I probably need to lose about one third of my body weight at the moment, which is a bit scary, but I know what amazing benefits that will give me.

My big announcement for this post is that my mum and I are starting the south beach diet together. I got the book that Blest recommended (The South Beach Diet - The delicious, doctor-designed, foolproof plan for fast and healthy weightloss) and we need to plan our own menu from that, and go shopping to get the stuff we need, and then we are away :-)

Away

I may not be around on my blog till Saturday. (Away from home and limited access to computer) Enjoy yourselves while I'm gone :-)

food thoughts

Right, it seems to me that south beach is the way I want to go, but I haven't got on top of it yet. For one reasons or another I've not yet cut out all the carbs. However, I have got more aware of what I'm putting in my mouth and making healthy choices.

This week may be tricky since as well as looking after 1 year old S on Tuesday and Wednesday, I'm then 'moving in' to live with H, S & J from Wednesday evening till Saturday to take care of them while their parents are away on a conference. Because I'll be at someone else's house eating someone else's food I may not be able to make all the food choices that I want to. However, I'm going to try really hard and not let it be an excuse.

On another note, I now have some scales and I'm going to participate in my first weigh in at OWOA today. Scary, but great to have some accoutability. Cos I'm not gonna do it without being able to think of all those lovely ladies cheering me on and knowing how proud they are of me when I do get things right ;-)